So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
