just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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