Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
