I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
