I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
