If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Do you have feelings for this penis?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
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