once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
