Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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