Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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