mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
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