I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
