I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
