i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
