you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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