Operation Purity has been aborted
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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