how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
