based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
