So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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