hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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