i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
