i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
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