Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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