Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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