i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
