Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
