I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
