I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
