mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
He had one of those small greek statue penises
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
