I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
