Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
