I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
