Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
