I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You have to summon your inner elephant
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Randomize
