Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
