That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
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