I wish I could teleport
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
