i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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