I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
