I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
You are the jesus of drinking
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
