You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
and i looked up. we had an audience...
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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