Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
