do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
