I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Randomize
