A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
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