is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Randomize
