don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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