rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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