last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
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