Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
