6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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