I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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