U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
